Last week, we spoke to the women. Today, we speak to the men. Last week, we talked to the wives. Today, we talk to the husbands.
Last week, we learned that the wife is called to submit to her husband as the church submits to Christ. Submission assumes leadership, which leads to the assumption that a husband is responsible for leading his wife. Well, today, we will learn that Godly leaders are loving leaders. Godly husbands are loving husbands. Today, we will discover that one of the greatest signs of a Godly man is not his ability to benchpress 300lbs; it's his willingness and ability to love as Christ has loved.
1 Corinthians 16:13 says, "Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love." The command here by Paul assumes that Godly men will be strong men. This is warlike language. Like a sergeant calling his troops to war, Paul is calling the men of the church to be ready, to be watchful, and to stand firm. So, biblical manhood is directly tied to strength. Men should be strong. But the strength alluded to here is not merely physical; it's primarily spiritual. Some of the physically strongest men in this world are the spiritually weakest. Paul calls the men in the church to be courageous, strong, and willing to stand firm and fight the spiritual battle that is present in this life. And then he calls them to love— "Let all that you do be done in love."
The strongest and godliest men will be the most loving men. Godly strength is displayed through a man's willingness to walk in love. The weakest men will shout the loudest. A weak man will beat his chest and repay evil for evil. A weak man will punch when he's been punched. A weak man will trample over those around him. But, a strong man will let all he does be done in love. The strongest men will be humble, patient, selfless, kind, and gentle.
Today, we will find God calling the men in the church who are husbands to lead their wives with loving gentleness. God calls a husband to love his wife like Jesus loves the church.
My hope and prayer for today has been that the husbands in the room will experience a deep, lasting desire to go home and lead their wives with fervent love. My hope and prayer today has been that the wives in the room will experience a deep, lasting desire to go home and respectfully submit to their husbands' loving leadership. My hope and prayer today has been that the single women in the room will experience a deep, lasting desire to wait for a Godly man who will lovingly lead them to Jesus. My hope and prayer for today has been that the single men in the room will experience a deep, lasting desire to wait for a gentle and godly woman that he can lovingly lead toward Jesus.
Let's dive in.
"[25] Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, [26] that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, [27] so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. [28] In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. [29] For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, [30] because we are members of his body."
In response to the verses we looked at last week, we can safely conclude that submission assumes leadership. If the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ is the head of the church, then that means the husband is responsible for leading his wife as Christ leads the church.
But what type of leader should a husband be? Well, the answer is emphatically "a loving one!" The husband isn't leading an inferior subordinate; he's leading his own body, the precious woman he loves, bone of his bone, flesh of his flesh. Therefore, his leadership should be gentle, kind, patient, caring, and loving. Godly leaders are loving leaders, and Godly husbands are loving husbands. The leadership of a husband should be selfless and sacrificial. A husband is never free to force a wife to submit to his own will, wants, and desires. Instead, he should lovingly and sacrificially lay down his wants and desires in order to lead his wife and family toward life and godliness.
In the same way Christ took the lead in saving his bride, a husband should take the lead in suffering and dying for his bride. He sacrificially leads in providing for his bride. He sacrificially leads in protecting his bride. He sacrificially leads in discipling his bride. He sacrificially leads in reconciling with his bride.
The husband should strive to be a thermostat for the home, not a thermometer. What do thermometers do? They reveal to you the temperature of something. What do thermostats do? They establish and set the temperature of something. Thermometers are incapable of impacting the temperature of a room. Thermostats, however, set the pace for the temperature of a room. In the same way, husbands have the responsibility of leading the home toward the cool temperature of Christlikeness. Godly leaders are loving leaders; Godly husbands are loving husbands.
But what is love?
We live in a world that closely ties love to romance. We live in a world that elevates our feelings above all things. If I feel something good, it must be good. If I don't feel something good, it must be bad. So, we often identify love as the racing of our hearts when we lock eyes with someone. We equate love with a thrilling kiss under the moonlight. So, what happens in many marriages is that after years of marriage, we lose that romantic thrill that was once present, which leads us to strongly consider divorce. We no longer feel love toward our spouse; therefore, we believe we've fallen out of love.
But, I want us to notice here that love isn't described as a feeling; it's an action, something the husband does. Christ-like love is a willful action more than it is a mystical feeling. Attraction can be an element of love, but it's not the motivating factor of love. More than a husband is to feel a particular way toward his wife, he is to act a particular way toward his wife. When romantic attraction is a distant memory, the call to love will remain the same. No matter what a husband's heart tells him, he is called by God to love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.
Notice here the standard of a husband's love is God's love. We've said this a lot, but all living is shaped by doctrine. What we believe (particularly about God) impacts how we live. And, here in Ephesians, we've been reminded time after time that gospel doctrine should begin to shape gospel living. When we understand the magnitude of God's love for us that has been demonstrated through the work of the cross, we should begin to strive to love as God has loved us. So, Paul, once again, is pointing to the cross and saying, "This is the standard of the love you're called to. Men, love your wife as Jesus loves you!"
How does Jesus love you? He loves you fully, graciously, and selflessly. So, how do you love your spouse? Fully, graciously, and selflessly. As one commentator puts it, "Christ loved the church not because it was perfectly lovable, but in order to make it such (Westcott)."
So, love isn't a feeling; it is an action. And it's not a transactional action— something a husband does whenever his wife deserves it. It is an action of selfless grace.
Men, nothing pushes a husband away from selfless love like keeping score does. When we think, "Well, I've done {this} for her this week, why doesn't she do {that} for me?" our hearts will become hard as clay. Don't look at the scoreboard; look at the cross.
We said this a few weeks ago, but we cannot fully understand the depth of God's love until we first understand the cost of the cross. Our sin has brought death, judgment, and separation. Judgment is coming. But the beauty of the gospel is that Jesus willingly marched to the cross to take upon himself the punishment we deserve. Jesus' work on the cross is the ultimate display of sacrificial love. He died so we wouldn't have to. So, God is calling us to love one another with this same radical and sacrificial love. God is calling all husbands to fix their hearts and eyes upon the cross so that they can begin to truly love like Jesus.
So, what's the limit to which we should love? There is no limit! When should we withhold our love from one another? Never! Christ-like love is humble, sacrificial, uncomfortable, costly, selfless, and eternally minded. A husband loves his wife not because she deserves it but because Christ is worthy. So, look at the cross, not the scoreboard.
Now, let's try to unpack some layers here. What does sacrificial, Christ-like love look like for a husband? Paul tells us that we are to love our wives as Christ gave himself up for the church "that he might sanctify her by the washing of water with the world, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish…"
We're going to spend some time unpacking this, but if I could summarize these verses down to a central point, it would be this: a loving husband cares about the spiritual health of his bride. And if you care about something, you take care of it. So, if you care about the spiritual health of your bride, you will prioritize the spiritual health of your bride. A loving husband should seek to disciple his wife to become more like Jesus. A husband's primary focus should be his bride's spiritual well-being. A husband longs for his girl to walk with Jesus in joyful communion; therefore, he seeks to lead her to Jesus. Tony Merida summarizes this thought by exhorting the husband to "be concerned for her spiritual well-being. Be in the Word personally. Talk about the Word with her. Know how your wife is doing in theological knowledge, in the practice of spiritual disciplines, in her service in the local church, and in her relationships. Care for her soul. Do you know her fears, hopes, dreams, temptations, and disappointments? Shepherd her faithfully."
Let's briefly pull back a few layers here and examine how Paul explains this. Paul teaches and reminds the church of central Christian doctrines regarding atonement. Because of the work of the cross, our sins have been washed away. Because of the work of the cross, we who were once stained with sin will one day stand before the Father without spots or blemishes. Because of the work of the cross, we who were stained with guilt and shame will be presented before God as a beautiful bride. Through the cross, the LORD takes away our iniquities and clothes us with pure garments.
The imagery here of "washing of water with the word" is an interesting one. Some commentators even describe it as controversial. Some believe it's a reference to baptism. Others think it's a reference to a cleansing bath that a bride would receive before being presented before the groom (we see this referenced in Ezekiel 16). Some say it's both. I don't think we need to get caught too deep in the weeds here to understand what Paul is saying. Water has always been the most common element used for washing. So, Christ sacrificially died to wash away the sins of his bride. We were once deceitfully wicked, but we have been washed, sanctified, and justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.
Paul is drawing attention to the strategic nature of Jesus' march to the cross. It was his love for his bride that led him to the cross. Jesus willingly and sacrificially gave himself up for the church so that she might become holy and without blemish. So, men, we, too, should willingly give ourselves up for our wives, selflessly laying down our wants and desires for the spiritual good of our bride.
Men, you are not the only instrument God uses to sanctify your wife, but you are an instrument he chooses to use to sanctify your bride. So, in the words of the pastor and theologian Kent Hughes, "Is our wife more like Christ because she's married to us? Or, is she like Christ in spite of us?"
Now, with that being said, a husband isn't merely called to care about the spiritual health of his bride; he should also care about the physical health of his bride. "In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body."
This is the balance of the Christian faith, isn't it? We never want to neglect the spiritual as we tend to the physical. But we also don't want to ignore the physical as we seek to care for the spiritual. A loving husband tends to both. A loving husband prioritizes every facet of his bride. A husband should protect his wife physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
As you seek to lead your wife, you do so with the sole intention of taking precious care of her. A loving husband says to his bride, "Because I care about you, I want you to be able to sleep in this Saturday. So let me get up with the kids." A loving husband says to his bride, "Because I care about you, I want you to be able to have the freedom to not work if you want to stay home with the kids." When it comes to work or serving your spouse, you choose your spouse every time. When it comes to fishing or spending time with your bride, you choose your bride every time. When it comes to golf or your girl, you choose your girl every time. The call of the husband is to selflessly love, serve, and lead his wife so that she can become more like Jesus.